David Wakely, M.A. UKCP reg.
Counselling and psychotherapy

On this page, you will find some basic information about my approach to working with specific issues.

Working with relationships
Working with identity
Working with emotions

Working with relationships

Problems can arise at any time in a relationship. Individual problems such as fighting, infidelity, physical or verbal abuse, loss of desire or simply a growing sense of doubt and dissatisfaction can have their roots in deeper issues, including

different expectations and goals in the relationship

different needs for intimacy and privacy

differences in levels of sexual desire

changes in one or both partners over time

issues with sexuality, self-esteem or expression of emotion

attitudes and values regarding significant issues, e.g. child-rearing, socialising

attitudes and values that are rooted in different social or cultural backgrounds

changes in circumstances, e.g. the birth of children, changes in financial or career status, illness, growing older etc.

These issues can be addressed through relationship counselling, working either with one or both partners in the relationship.

Couple counselling is a highly intimate process and is recommended if

both partners agree that there are problems that they would like to work through

both are willing to explore these problems, expressing their thoughts and feelings about the relationship to each other and in the presence of a third person, the counsellor.

In working with couples, my focus is generally practical, working towards an improved functioning of the relationship so that it can start to accommodate some of the differences between the two people.

I usually work with both people together in the room, but it is also possible to have occasional sessions with each partner individually.

In some cases, one partner may not be willing to undertake couple counselling, or may wish to explore relationship issues in a more private setting, in which case individual counselling is recommended.

Working with identity

Identity and personality are not the same. When we think of someone's personality, we think of all the mental qualities that go to make the individual this particular, unique person in the world.

Personality is always to some extent hidden. The process of getting to know another person consists of the gradual revealing of each other's personality. We generally understand that only in the most intimate relationships - and perhaps not even there - will we come to know the full depth of the other.

Identity is much more about who we are in the world. It consists of who we are for others as well as who we are for ourselves; and it is forged in the complex web of all the ways in which we relate to the world and in which others perceive and respond to us.

Issues of identity can be at the root of many recognisable problems that are often treated by counselling and psychotherapy; for example, low self-esteem, depression, social anxiety and relationship issues. These may often be targetted individually in counselling.

More general issues of identity may be:

that I am unclear about who I am or who I want to be

I may not understand the way that others see me

I may feel that my sense of who I am does not correspond to the ways that I behave in the world

I may feel myself or my surroundings to be unreal in some way

I may find that others impose an identity on me that is incompatible with who I am

I may feel oppressed or imprisoned by the past, by my own actions or by what has happened to me before

I may be unhappy about an aspect of my physical or mental being and unsure how to reconcile myself to this

I may not feel at ease with myself, with my body or with my place in the world.

Such issues will often benefit from a slower, gentler process of therapeutic exploration.

Working with emotions

In working with emotional problems, it is important to identify

(a) which factors in the present situation tend to bring out the emotional response and

(b) the underlying values and attitudes that support the emotion.
Is the emotional response specific to a current situation or has it been a recurrent or constant presence in your life?

Some emotions can at times seem overpowering and irrational. In fact, they often have an underlying purpose and it is important in therapy to identify this as the first step towards developing more flexible and constructive responses to situations.

Emotions are not in themselves problematic. Problems arise generally when our emotional responses become overly restricted and we find ourselves unable to access the personal resources to change ourselves or our situation. In other words, we are stuck.

In fact, our so-called negative emotions can alert us to what is wrong in our present situation, although their message is not always clear. Part of the work in counselling or therapy is to understand what our emotional responses are telling us and to use this as a basis for ways of moving on.